Phrases and words I don’t want to read when searching for a flat

I've been spending a lot of time the last few days alternating between packing and trying to find a place to live, which is a weird experience for me given I've spent almost 10 years in the one flat. Scary biscuits in and of itself. But there's one thing I've learned in all this recent flathunting experience, and that is I'm fussy (shocking I know). I'm not 19 anymore and I don't want to live in some dingy hole with a bunch of teenagers who can't wash up after themselves, and most importantly I need space to COOK. These have been a few of the most frequent/upsetting and generally ridiculous statements I've come across on my search:

‘Kitchenette’ – Are you freaking joking? What the hell am I supposed to do with a kitchenette?? No. Thank you. The very word makes me sad.

‘No alcohol’ – This doesn’t even need an explanation. I mean, come on!

‘Ideal for students’ – Read: manky cesspit. Complete with lazy wasters who bring their lazy waster friends round, never clean up after themselves and have shit chat. And are probably about 20 years old.

‘Shared room’ – What?! I’m sorry, I’m not  7. Do people actually live like that? Seriously? I’d last less than 2 weeks before cracking up and killing the unfortunate person for never having any personal space!

‘Commune’ – Um no. I like people. I also, however, like deodorant.

And finally, text speak and poor spelling. If you can’t use your words like a proper grown up then there’s no chance I’m moving into your house.