Kissing Etiquette

There are probably a dozen things this post could be about, but there’s been something on my mind on and  off since I got here.

Kissing etiquette.

Now for those of you who’re thinking ‘typical Cara, mind in the gutter’, I’m not talking about something so simple as actual kissing (and please, my mind has plenty of other places to go… like thinking about kittens and ponies and shoes and wine. So there).

No no, I’m talking about the kissing etiquette of text messages.

You spend years dancing around the issue of text message kisses. For some people it’s easier than others. My mum for example, gets as many text kisses as I feel like putting in the message. She’s my mum. There’s no politics there. Fiona always sends three. To everyone. So I always send her three back, because she is my friend and I love her. Most friends get one, sometimes two if the subject matter makes it feel like two is appropriate. For example, a text to a friend I haven’t seen in a while and I miss. If I get a text from a friend without kisses it seems, well, kind of naked. Sometimes even a little rude.

Kissing etiquette is fairly straight forward when it comes to friends and family. Add in a romantic element, or even the potential for one, and it all gets a bit complicated.

Again, having spent years learning the intricacies of text kissing, one develops at least a basic feel for how to cope with these situations. Not that it never gets a tad complicated. A guy you’ve just met, and spent the whole night talking to, is now sending you texts. With a kiss at the end. What does it mean? Is he interested? He is, after all, a straight guy, who’s not into theatre (this is a whole separate sub-issue in the minefield of kissing etiquette and its related concerns which I will touch on shortly). Is he just being polite? How do you find out? Luckily you have a mutual friend, you can check if they get kisses at the end of their texts. They do? Okay, but is the context the same? How on earth do you find out?! And of course, now you’re replying with text kisses. Is that too forward? Maybe. But it’s rude not to. This is where kissing etiquette becomes grey and hazy.

A further complication I have come across, is that most people I know have a performing arts background. These types of people are far more likely to text kiss, even when you’ve just met. It’s less complicated if they’re a girl because, well, there’s less chance of misconstruing their intent. But I’ve lost count of the amount of guys I’ve met doing shows who sign off every text with a kiss. Straight guys. Who aren’t flirting. In some ways you'd think it makes it less complicated as you just begin to assume every guy you meet in a theatre sends kisses and to read nothing into it. But then you risk not paying attention when there is intent behind it and you end up accidentally leading a guy on, or at the very least not nipping it in the bud and the next thing you know you have a crying actor on your hands. Messy.

You may be wondering what this has to do with my Canadian travels. It is related, and I’m (very slowly) getting to the point.

When I started my MLitt, 4 of the 9 people in the class (8 girls and 1 token guy) were from North America. Obviously with such a small class, we all hung out together a certain amount and it’s fair to say that our little group became pretty close. We called ourselves MLitters and we rocked. Anyway, one thing I noticed when we all started was that the girls from America and Canada did not sign off their texts with kisses. Ever. It was rather weird to my text kiss sensibilities. But I guess I got used to it. I’m fairly sure I still sent kisses with my messages because a) they were my friends and that’s how we do things back home and b) they were girls and so less likely to think I was hitting on them. But there was definitely an adjustment period where I couldn’t tell if they were in a mood because their texts just finished. They weren’t rounded off with anything. Kisses had begun to feel like punctuation. A way to sign off a message that was less abrupt than a full stop and less childish than a smiley face/ sad face/ other emoticon.

Cue me finally getting to my point.

Upon moving to Canada, I quickly remembered this strange lack of text kissing and modified my behaviour appropriately. I do not send kisses in texts. Ever. I have people I would text kiss if I were back home, but here it’s just not done. I even discussed the cultural difference in text kissing etiquette between home and Canada with my old roommate, Annabelle, and she was kind of disgusted that this was normal back home. She couldn’t get her head around it at all.

So now, I’m kind of used to not finishing off my texts with kisses, singular or multiple. I haven’t signed off a single text with a kiss in 2 months. The only exception to that has been facebook messages to friends back home. But where text kissing was the norm (if sometimes a minefield of intent and analysis) now it’s not even a question.

It wasn’t until a friend of a friend moved here from Scotland this week that I started thinking about it again. We’ve been in touch for a few weeks and swapped numbers so we could meet up when she arrived. She text me the other day to make plans and signed off her message with a kiss. Even although we’ve never met. And do you know what? It felt normal. I, of course, responded with my own text kiss at the end of the message. It felt good. The way texts are supposed to read. I hadn’t realised how much I missed the minefield of textual kissing etiquette until I got that message. More importantly, it felt far friendlier than just ending a message with empty space. I’m not saying sometimes figuring out the murky grey areas of text kissing appropriateness doesn’t get frustrating, but sometimes it’s nice to let friends know you care. And it makes the message end in a much nicer way.

xx

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